am i am

i am far too far away from you

and you are closer than you know

than any other would care to come

to feel what is inside me

what calls me to be complete

without constraint of thought or fear

i am too far away from it

and yet it closes in

ever nearer to my head

to the holes in my heart

and my thoughts drifting

always back to it

the way of the world before tomorrow

i am too far gone from then

and still its hold upon me lingers

cloying as the muck of the swamp

to my clothes and skin and thoughts

avoidance is no option

and running in the sand a sham

an excuse to keep on breathing

i am so much closer now

to something I can believe is real

which is pulling me to its warmth

as if now were someone who could care

who would see me as I always have

in my head

in my dreams

in my fantasies of what might have been

had I lived a "normal" life

i am so much closer now

i hope i don't fall down too hard

i know how to rise

i don't know that i'll want to after this

or maybe I do

just maybe I still do