Tuesday, February 22, 2011

am i am

i am far too far away from you

and you are closer than you know
than any other would care to come
to feel what is inside me
what calls me to be complete
without constraint of thought or fear

i am too far away from it
and yet it closes in
ever nearer to my head
to the holes in my heart
and my thoughts drifting
always back to it
the way of the world before tomorrow

i am too far gone from then
and still its hold upon me lingers
cloying as the muck of the swamp
to my clothes and skin and thoughts
avoidance is no option
and running in the sand a sham
an excuse to keep on breathing

i am so much closer now
to something I can believe is real
which is pulling me to its warmth
as if now were someone who could care
who would see me as I always have
in my head
in my dreams
in my fantasies of what might have been
had I lived a "normal" life

i am so much closer now
i hope i don't fall down too hard
i know how to rise
i don't know that i'll want to after this

or maybe I do
just maybe I still do

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

dawning brighter

I'm thinking on things I need to mend

old wounds I've kept open

developed skills which fail me now

passionate pleas which must always fall upon deaf ears

because they aren't aimed correctly

even though my accuracy is impeccable

I'm facing up to failures denied

belittled and bemused by my own apathy

have I fallen into disrepair and anguish

painful to behold and yet held up as mettle

it is emptiness embodied

it is loneliness entombed in light

the light which only shines forth dimly

I'm canceling my tickets to the ball

to the far flung reaches of imagination

where I've always known I'll never go

but, dreaming of it, have ignored the here and now

and passed on far too many small wonders

given up this chance or that

for some delusion held so dear

it drains my life of spirit

I'm putting out the weary fire

the flickering candle of despair

which has lit my way through life

for all these many years

though often I have dimmed its light

and hid the flame behind my back

as, knowing deep inside, I questioned its source

and begged myself to heed the truth

before the shadows swallowed me


I am still

and forming

daily into more

of what I'm meant for