am i am

i am far too far away from you

and you are closer than you know

than any other would care to come

to feel what is inside me

what calls me to be complete

without constraint of thought or fear

i am too far away from it

and yet it closes in

ever nearer to my head

to the holes in my heart

and my thoughts drifting

always back to it

the way of the world before tomorrow

i am too far gone from then

and still its hold upon me lingers

cloying as the muck of the swamp

to my clothes and skin and thoughts

avoidance is no option

and running in the sand a sham

an excuse to keep on breathing

i am so much closer now

to something I can believe is real

which is pulling me to its warmth

as if now were someone who could care

who would see me as I always have

in my head

in my dreams

in my fantasies of what might have been

had I lived a "normal" life

i am so much closer now

i hope i don't fall down too hard

i know how to rise

i don't know that i'll want to after this

or maybe I do

just maybe I still do

dawning brighter

I'm thinking on things I need to mend

old wounds I've kept open

developed skills which fail me now

passionate pleas which must always fall upon deaf ears

because they aren't aimed correctly

even though my accuracy is impeccable

I'm facing up to failures denied

belittled and bemused by my own apathy

have I fallen into disrepair and anguish

painful to behold and yet held up as mettle

it is emptiness embodied

it is loneliness entombed in light

the light which only shines forth dimly

I'm canceling my tickets to the ball

to the far flung reaches of imagination

where I've always known I'll never go

but, dreaming of it, have ignored the here and now

and passed on far too many small wonders

given up this chance or that

for some delusion held so dear

it drains my life of spirit

I'm putting out the weary fire

the flickering candle of despair

which has lit my way through life

for all these many years

though often I have dimmed its light

and hid the flame behind my back

as, knowing deep inside, I questioned its source

and begged myself to heed the truth

before the shadows swallowed me

whole

I am still

and forming

daily into more

of what I'm meant for