dawning brighter

I'm thinking on things I need to mend

old wounds I've kept open

developed skills which fail me now

passionate pleas which must always fall upon deaf ears

because they aren't aimed correctly

even though my accuracy is impeccable

I'm facing up to failures denied

belittled and bemused by my own apathy

have I fallen into disrepair and anguish

painful to behold and yet held up as mettle

it is emptiness embodied

it is loneliness entombed in light

the light which only shines forth dimly

I'm canceling my tickets to the ball

to the far flung reaches of imagination

where I've always known I'll never go

but, dreaming of it, have ignored the here and now

and passed on far too many small wonders

given up this chance or that

for some delusion held so dear

it drains my life of spirit

I'm putting out the weary fire

the flickering candle of despair

which has lit my way through life

for all these many years

though often I have dimmed its light

and hid the flame behind my back

as, knowing deep inside, I questioned its source

and begged myself to heed the truth

before the shadows swallowed me

whole

I am still

and forming

daily into more

of what I'm meant for

today

today is rough
I feel the panic seeping in
not like before
with the ways and means
I used to hide behind
underneath the netting
like covers pulled over a child's head
to keep away the bogeymen
from whom I run

today is slow
I wonder why it comes again
so like before
its creeping tendrils
telling me it's coming
I can't hide
don't bother, but I do
knowing nothing but the want
afraid that I won't run

today is long
it wanders like the crooked river
meanders to an end
nature's grades guiding to falls
just as she does for me
in infinite fractal branching
forging futures
fatalistic and magnanimous
where I might run

today is good
oh, I know it doesn't feel that way
not in these still desperate moments
not with the panic seeping
slowly out and away like the tides
away from the beach of solace
leaving behind the stench
of that from which, of course,
I cannot run

today I breathe
know that which I must clear away
with my own two hands
my back breaking
my head filling up
with aromas so inspiring
so despised by now
and desperate to be without them
do I run

today I would close down
except that I cry out
electronic silence the deepest sighs
soul all akimbo
liminal in some enchanted way
amassed of fortunes
under appreciated until recently
as panic began to wane
I glimpsed the place to run

today is good
tomorrow will be as well
and I will run no more
today is good