Michael Bains

2 hours ago near Cleveland · 

• What's on your mind?
  
  Oldie but ... well this is new
  
  wonder of the world
  I'm fucked alive
  amber soaked I feel it
  holding me where I've been
  forever and ever
  life with an end
  just no shot
  at even one more
  fucked
  beginning
  I guess I have
  just to pay it forward
  hoping for a refund
  rejected for the hope
  and lost again
  in love and fear
  a new well of hells
  with smiles and sadness
  apropos of one time
  the first last and only
  eternity without a mullligan
  or any chance of heaven
  without hell all up inside it
  savory sensual swellings
  wonder of the world
  fucked and once forever
  and ever
  no more
  It'll have to do

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thisness mine

Essentially
whatever I'm saying
when I try to relate to you
unless a joke it's simple

it's seriously funny
that you look at me
at least you smile
and I see another thread to share

Just as I see it there
and I know you are aware
and I am so alone
words each leading off
other simplicities spun off 

all I want is a path
sensibility and music
a relay to the world larger 
of the way it is to me

I can take the looks
I just wish that I understood
or didn't as it hurts 
the reasons for suffering 

I think the same way
with the same chemicals
a stem no different from the forest
all the wood alive
except for me unrooted 

shadows' stains

needles 

impetuous fucking pricks 

sanitizing steel before the piercing 

why bother 

it's endless

at least as long as that 

but less invigorating

like a toothache 

the nerve laid bare and stabbing 

only torture gives me hope 

whatever 

frankly I'm not into it

this oblique existentialism 

the rapture never thrilled me 

so why go on 

incidental to my whiny visions 

lapping waves keep calling from beyond the woods 

the shore 

its magnificence my one time friend

preaches patience from the distance 

entrancing 

even beyond reality's bounds the birds sing it to me 

enticing me to throw it all away 

the grief

and boredom

the pride 

and loathing of self 

historical accuracy erases opportunity 

all sent packing while the bliss of  self pity envelopes 

entrances and erodes my inner peace 

that which I run from to find 

I need to stop wondering how I ever got here 

and quite believing I'll ever leave 

as if it matters once you know it all 

and all of it is shit 

anyway, ain't it? 

the poseur's ennui

the fake fanaticism

luxury in scarcity and fear of going on 

like a heartache 

the third time gone again 

but there's no strike outs 

not in love 

I wonder why I always hit 'em 

over the fence on the first try 

unless I miss entirely 

still a loser 

everyone's a loser though 

I'm pretty sure I'll get over it again 

it's not like it's anything real this time 

just shadow's stains 

senescence

somethings missing
some things
I'm missing them
I'm not alone
nor just along for the ride

several symptoms occur
normally involved
in randomness
laxadaisical
heh

aimless, not
unfortunate except
for granted thoughts
elusive waves are feeling me
feelings

upwards again
and in again
and not enough for it to spend
upon its reason
it won't last

but for now
I wander wondering
stop that 'cause of course
I know
I almost always know

sloppy, I leave it the way it comes
too much goes
when somethings missing
some things I need more of
but can only make myself
with help

again

A Snowball's Chance

As were a pebble or a ball of ice

suspended on the precipice

the drop below would not suffice

to sway into or closer less

the wind would have Its way

As diving for its prey the raptor

so did our friend go forth

and though the wind, a careless captor,

thought nothing of his poor life's worth

fate and luck held sway

So early on the path was figured

and soon the slope did fall

and though it seemed at times configured

to hold him in its palm

the mountain had its say

Down yonder go thee! To the floor!

Down go thee all the way!

I shall hold back your fall no more

lest thou be content to stay

at rest upon my bosom.

So growing with the mountain's coat

of snow and leafy spoils

oft by hard rock was it smote

and slipped past as slicked by oils

of some savagery of nature

With each hard fall and sudden slam

his size did bulge and swelling

from pebble to a well fed ham

with gravity compelling

ever faster towards the bottom

Would think, perhaps, there would be times

when the path would clear for miles

yet though it seemed straight as these rhymes

did he crookedly down defiles

The trickster gods' own slalom

This is where I am now

This is where the story pauses

Halfway down the mountain, How?

With forced and sundry clauses.

My life begins to be mine.

am i am

i am far too far away from you

and you are closer than you know

than any other would care to come

to feel what is inside me

what calls me to be complete

without constraint of thought or fear

i am too far away from it

and yet it closes in

ever nearer to my head

to the holes in my heart

and my thoughts drifting

always back to it

the way of the world before tomorrow

i am too far gone from then

and still its hold upon me lingers

cloying as the muck of the swamp

to my clothes and skin and thoughts

avoidance is no option

and running in the sand a sham

an excuse to keep on breathing

i am so much closer now

to something I can believe is real

which is pulling me to its warmth

as if now were someone who could care

who would see me as I always have

in my head

in my dreams

in my fantasies of what might have been

had I lived a "normal" life

i am so much closer now

i hope i don't fall down too hard

i know how to rise

i don't know that i'll want to after this

or maybe I do

just maybe I still do

dawning brighter

I'm thinking on things I need to mend

old wounds I've kept open

developed skills which fail me now

passionate pleas which must always fall upon deaf ears

because they aren't aimed correctly

even though my accuracy is impeccable

I'm facing up to failures denied

belittled and bemused by my own apathy

have I fallen into disrepair and anguish

painful to behold and yet held up as mettle

it is emptiness embodied

it is loneliness entombed in light

the light which only shines forth dimly

I'm canceling my tickets to the ball

to the far flung reaches of imagination

where I've always known I'll never go

but, dreaming of it, have ignored the here and now

and passed on far too many small wonders

given up this chance or that

for some delusion held so dear

it drains my life of spirit

I'm putting out the weary fire

the flickering candle of despair

which has lit my way through life

for all these many years

though often I have dimmed its light

and hid the flame behind my back

as, knowing deep inside, I questioned its source

and begged myself to heed the truth

before the shadows swallowed me

whole

I am still

and forming

daily into more

of what I'm meant for

today

today is rough
I feel the panic seeping in
not like before
with the ways and means
I used to hide behind
underneath the netting
like covers pulled over a child's head
to keep away the bogeymen
from whom I run

today is slow
I wonder why it comes again
so like before
its creeping tendrils
telling me it's coming
I can't hide
don't bother, but I do
knowing nothing but the want
afraid that I won't run

today is long
it wanders like the crooked river
meanders to an end
nature's grades guiding to falls
just as she does for me
in infinite fractal branching
forging futures
fatalistic and magnanimous
where I might run

today is good
oh, I know it doesn't feel that way
not in these still desperate moments
not with the panic seeping
slowly out and away like the tides
away from the beach of solace
leaving behind the stench
of that from which, of course,
I cannot run

today I breathe
know that which I must clear away
with my own two hands
my back breaking
my head filling up
with aromas so inspiring
so despised by now
and desperate to be without them
do I run

today I would close down
except that I cry out
electronic silence the deepest sighs
soul all akimbo
liminal in some enchanted way
amassed of fortunes
under appreciated until recently
as panic began to wane
I glimpsed the place to run

today is good
tomorrow will be as well
and I will run no more
today is good

It Is Here

again I lie
it forces its way out through
my teeth

staring into
eyes of amber chocolate
beauty

so true this time
and again not everything
real

I am the wolf
who strives to be the white prince
of dreams

whose soft kisses
open her eyes to life worth
living

silly smile
locked in that way I can't help
feeling

these worn down fangs
promising everything She's
wanting

delivers us
into temptation's empty
belly

where both of us
wallow in our happiest
sorrow

it is here now
awakening to facts not
pleasant

reality
all of those sweet times brushed off
falling

onto my soul
where I will choose to believe
or won't

again I lie
wearing truth's better Sunday
clothing

still just rags
these grand imperial clothes
bare all

baby don't call me buddy

evening fallen empty again
and so full of everything
that might not have been
would never have become this
wonderful, vagrant friend

kissing softly inside my head
when the sun has settled
behind the far side
shadowing me and my dear friend
to writhe in comforting emptiness

this sport is wild mad insane
and willfully indulged
where no one but the ghosts
of satisfactions never born
can cheer us on and wave their arms

occasionally I'll notice something
wrong it seems but sweet your song
brings me down again to trespass
upon the most natural of things
to lose myself where no one sings

and though outside my door
do people wander and endure
their own sweet nothings poured
out by their own most natural
of nature's whores begotten

they must be less than nothing
for my own is so intensely mine
and only wanting more each time
do I embrace it once again
to fall and swallow all your pain

fallow my mind is hardly so!
it simply seethes with cares and woe
the images my friend does bring
instill such fear and hope enticing
bleeding me out of my mind

but darkness always lifts again
too soon! where is my empty friend
without whom now my life begins
each sun's light rising into morning
another chance to move along
before my friend will find me once again